Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
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My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size