*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I’m putting together a team
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*