Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
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“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.