Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Optional boss fight.
I can’t be the only one 😂
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
the clam before the storm
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My plans: 2020:
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.