Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
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The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I love art.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.