Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.