My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
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*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
#catsoftwitter
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.