To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I’m going to need a moment here.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.