A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
You Might Also Like
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”