People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
You Might Also Like
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.