I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
These are too funny not to post 😂
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”