I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
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Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
buying dead houseplants to save time
is this a threat
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!