*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.