I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
So sick of all these stupid rules
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.