My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
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When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Our lord and savoury.
house sitting!
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…