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[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
How do I even know this guy is my βbossβ. Iβve just been taking his word for it
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
First pedicure of the seasonβ¦my nail technician took one look and started stretching
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
βDonβt tread on me.β
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: Hi, Iβd like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Still cracks me up