GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
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If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Dolls on drugs
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”