Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
You Might Also Like
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
umm…
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*ernest hemingway voice*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.