her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
never deleting this app.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…