Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.