[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
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“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor