“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Breaking news:
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Running from your problems is cardio .