I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
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If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Mornin
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.