Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”