Become a minion. Get that bread.
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’