I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Actually cracking up @ this
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.