Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I’ll be mad as hell!
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?