Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
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A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.