my mom making me talk to relatives
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A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out