Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Herpes is trending, good job people
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
So, can we agree on 4 or