Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Ok but actually
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”