if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
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In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ