When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
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1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
A fake ID that makes you younger
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”