Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
incredible text to wake up to
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*