blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
iPhone X
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa