[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
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ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.