Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
You Might Also Like
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
necessity is the mother of invention
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,