[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Current mood: Potato
i love modern commerce
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.