Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg