I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
You Might Also Like
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.