Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*