her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
bury ourselves
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?