No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
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My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Hell yeah 👍
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Woke up against my better judgement again
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
So true for me
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.