My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
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This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I’m being attacked 😭
Thursday Thought.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?