Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
You Might Also Like
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
plums roundup
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Fun like a LinkedIn notification