Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
mumsnet is amazing
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me trying to “trust the process”