So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
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no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I have a type: disappointing
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute