I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
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judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty