It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
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Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.