hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
You Might Also Like
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!